Insecure, er, That Is, I Mean Romantic Love

Romantic Love versus True Love is a subject I've pondered occasionally over the years, and I finally feel compelled to put some of those thoughts down here. Over time we, in our culture, have developed some ideas that I think are worth fleshing out and following to their logical conclusion.

Let's start with the idealized version of "romantic love" or being "in love". The typical experience, I would say, begins with noticing someone who appears to attract you more than the average, to the point where you develop a radar whenever this person is in the general vicinity. At some point, you find yourself looking for this person to be present wherever you are. Soon, you begin to hope that you will see them or run into them more frequently. Eventually, there develops an almost obsessive feeling of wanting to place your physical person in the path of this special someone at every opportunity. Am I right so far?

Alongside the mental and emotional experience, though, there is a physical experience happening as well. The eyes and ears become more alert, the heart rate picks up at a nanosecond's notice at the mere thought of seeing this person, and when you first see him or her after some absence, it feels as if the burst of adrenalin suddenly pulsing through your entire midsection is going to cause your entire body to explode. The mouth may become dry, the breathing somewhat labored, the palms of the hands sweaty or even itchy, and the mouth refuses to form the words it would normally have no problem pronouncing. Sound at all familiar?

Now, let's look at what we'll call "settled, mature love", or "True Love." What? It's boring many of you would say? Hmmm. Maybe you're right. The heart no longer beats violently in the chest. Speech is no longer difficult and may even be too easy at times. You don't spend all your time thinking of this person and what the next planned outing might be. The palms remain unremarkably normal. No adrenalin. Nothing out of the ordinary to speak of. Life goes on.

Is it over? Has the flame gone out? Many these days would answer, "Yes." They would throw in the towel on a relationship that they considered to be past its prime. Too bad. They'll never know what they are missing.

I have observed over the years, by watching mature marriages as well as young love, that there are distinct stages to love relationships:

The Young Love or Pony Love Stage: Love is immature. It is fresh, new, unpredictable, unstable, untried by adversity, fun, euphoric. In short, it is a thrilling roller coaster ride. And as we all know, roller coaster rides last all of maybe two minutes. The romantic stage of love last approximately two years, maybe less.

The only way that this thrilling stage of being "in love" can exist in the first place is because of its basic insecurity and instability. Does she love me? Will he call me? When will I see her? What if he's found someone he's more interested in than me? These may or may not be questions solidly in the forefront of the mind, but they are there nevertheless.

Once those questions have been answered and the relationship moves into a more secure, more stable phase, there is far less uncertainty and even a comfortable predictability to our interactions. Things are mellowing out, cool, cozy . . . comfy . . .  satisfying . . .

. . . until we realize that this has been going on for some time. Wait—what just happened? When did it happen? Why did it happen? Where is the thrill? Where did it go?! Bring it back!

Well, here is what happened.


Your relationship became stable. You learned that you could count on one another (assuming your relationship is not dysfunctional—not a topic for this post).

Is this not what you wanted? Did you want and expect that this would be the most passionate, most enduring love in all of human history? Did you think that only a life of romance awaited? Of course! It must! After all, how else do people stay married 40, 50, even 75 years? Oh, they stayed together out of habit. It was just tradition and societal expectation that kept them together. Of course.

Please forgive my teasing. Here is the straight talk. The relationship became solid and stable, and the highly erratic, unsustainable feelings that we call romantic love settled down, giving way to a comfortable predictability which, to many is far more satisfying that what preceded it.

Unfortunately for many others, especially in our times, the roller coaster has become an addiction. The adrenalin rush brought on by the insecurity of new love is taken to be the desirable norm rather than the fight-or-flight response that it truly is. It is no different, in many ways, than a drug addiction. They will seek the thrill regardless of the consequences to themselves or others. It is the thrill of the chase, the hunting or being hunted. They can't get enough, and as soon as the thrill of one relationship is gone, they will move on to the next, and the next. They will spend the better part of their lives, and certainly the majority of their youth, playing this no-win game.

A stable relationship, on the other hand, allows for a progression of the individual. If you think about how much time and energy are spent on "new" relationships, it makes sense that once those resources are no longer required for romance, they can be used for personal growth and the deepening of the bond between the couple. In other words, rather than merely covering shallow, wide expanses of interpersonal territory,  development of the couple's relationship can become deep, even profound to the point of the sublime.

But Romance Hoppers won't ever know that, will they?

Some wise up, some do not, bringing to mind the 1973 song "Desperado" by the Eagles. Have a listen. Have a good day. If you're on that roller coaster, consider getting off it. If you've left it behind, cheers, and I hope you soar.