Machismo vs. Masculinity and Happy Father's Day

A truly superior man is a thing of beauty. Trust me. I know a few of them. One of the traits that makes them masculine is humility, which is the one thing macho dudes most lack. Another of trait of the superior man is his gentleness. Ironic, isn't it?

Masculinity is the quality of being a man with all the traits typically associated with men. For me, the primary difference between machismo and masculinity lies in the application of those manly qualities in a way that is helpful to others and to society as a whole. 

Machismo. According to www.thefreedictionary.com, "machismo" is 


1. A strong or exaggerated sense of masculinity stressing attributes such as physical courage, virility, domination of women, and aggressiveness.
2. An exaggerated sense of strength or toughness.

Clearly, they are not the same thing.

This morning my husband and I were discussing someone we know, a very nice man in his thirties who has finally been knocked around a little by life—the school of hard knocks, I believe is what we call it—and we were agreeing that this friend has been playing a very stereotypically male role, his duties and responsibilities in his marriage apart and separate from his wife's, very stoic and proper. Men belong in the waiting room while their wives are delivering babies (Guys, women can smell fear; you're not fooling anyone—especially your wife.) and all that. But I don't mean "macho."


Or do I?


I think we generally tend to imagine macho men as half-human, half gorilla (sorry guys, it's true, and I should probably apologize to the world's gorilla population as well). The macho man is the stereotypical man who has to show everyone who's boss, who's tough, who's physical prowess is unsurpassed, who's the king of the proverbial hill, blah, blah, blah . . . 


What such men should understand—though they're not likely to be the type who would even know how to find a blog, much less read one—is that they are parodies of what a real man is in the real world. Somewhere along the way, they have either been taught, or willingly adopted, the idea that a real man lives by the "might makes right" philosphy of life. "I'm bigger and stronger than you are, and, therefore, I am also superior. You have to play my game by my rules or I'll hurt you."


Much of the world operates this way. Reference the Taliban and other drug lords for starters. See also organized crime, gangs and dictatorships, and consider the privileged young athlete who recently offed his ex-girlfriend when she displeased him by, um, not being his girlfriend. Even big business throwing its money (and lawyers) around. And we won't even get into the issue of everyday domestic violence.


But what about the average bloke, like our friend, who assumes that because his mother cooked all his food, did all the dishes and the laundry and the housecleaning, etc., that his wife will naturally be taking care of all these duties as well? Survival skills consist of more than being able to tie knots, club and skin animals, or pull in a paycheck. Even in what we might consider the civilized world, there is machismo. It just sometimes takes a more subtle form that we might call chauvinism.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I see some men left to their own devices for any length of time. They run out of food. And clothes. And dishes for the food they've run out of. They don't know where to find anything. They look almost silly at times in their general "all-thumbsness" in their own homes. That is not even a satisfactory example of being self-reliant, never mind powerful.


In the executive world, machismo looks like the man who has to be the highest earner, the biggest boss, have the showiest house, the best-looking (and maybe youngest) wife or girlfriend. He's the power broker, the one drinking the most expensive alcohol, smoking the most expensive cigars, driving the most expensive cars, and wearing the most expensive clothes and jewelry. Impressive, isn't he?


Now, Gentlemen, don't get me wrong. There may be nothing inherently wrong with any of the above individual pursuits when they are kept in perspective—a few superlatives can even be very attractive.  The problem comes in when those pursuits take the place of the truly important things in life. You know, the things that actually make us human in the first place, like love and affection (not to be confused with lust, if you please), concern for the well-being of others, self-denial and self-sacrifice when called for, doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do, protecting and helping those whose physical and/or mental strength is not as great as your own, and the list goes on.


More than a few men in this life miss the reality that their relative physical strength is not a cause for gloating and triumphalism. It is a gift that is meant to be shared with others, rather than a weapon to be used against them or a power to be lorded over them. There is no basis for the assumption that they are superior human beings just because they are bigger, as so many of them in the world appear to have convinced themselves and one another.


As I said, a truly superior man is a thing of beauty. Though I know a number of men who would fall into this category, the one I will mention here is my husband. He is my best friend, my confidant, the person with whom I would gladly spend hours doing just about anything. He is intelligent, well-rounded, able to see another's point of view, even if he disagrees with it; he does laundry and dishes, has changed countless diapers, and I even have the most precious photos of him sleeping on beds, sofas, futons, and the floor with each of our four children when they were infants, toddlers, preschoolers. He doesn't need to prove himself to anyone—at least not outside of work, and even there he is goal-oriented, not blustery.


He's a fantastic teacher (because he is a willing student) and has an amazing sense of humor, which is a good thing during those moments when I lose mine; he is sensitive to the needs of others, but he can also push back when others are being unreasonable. He is active and engaged in the world around him; he's well-traveled, interested in people and places and is equally comfortable conversing with women and men, whether about news, sports, work, kids, or the most mundane daily experiences. In fact, I'm not sure if there are many subjects about which he couldn't converse to some degree if called upon to do so.


Finally (Thank goodness, you say?), he is the best father four daughters could possibly have. He listens—really listens—to them. And they know it. They bring him their highlights and their low points. He helps them brainstorm and problem-solve. They know that he would give his life for each of them if need be, as he would for me, also. He is not perfect, but he has set an incredibly high standard for any young man that might come into their lives, and the world is better for it. If every young woman could have such a father, the bar would be raised for every young man, and the quality of life the world over would improve beyond imagination.


My husband is not macho. He is masculine. 


Happy Father's Day to all the good fathers and men out there, and especially to you, Дорогой Николай!